I Finally Stopped Repressing My Dreams*
If you don’t sit down to ask yourself what you really want out of life, strange things can start to happen. You may start hanging out with people you don’t like. Apply for a job you don’t want. Go to places you don’t care. Dream about money you don’t need.
That’s what I observe in myself. And now in my final year of college, the concept of coming up with a certain ‘ultimate goal’ is really scary — so I start working on random things that sound cool or impressive.
I developed a default destination.
The absence of a genuine personal goal led me to subconsciously fall back into the ‘default goal’. You know, goals are determined by society’s expectations. The things that everyone seems to be aiming for. I think that makes sense — if you don’t have the mental strength to be a leader, you end up becoming a follower.
My decision-making process ended up looking like this:
Aiming for a respectable but average value? Disabled.
Aiming for the upper class? It sounds more like it.
Applying for a job as an accountant? Boring.
Applying for a job as a strategy consultant? That sounds cooler.
Low salary? Not. High salary? Yes.
Traveling to 100 countries? Sounds amazing.
Live in the same country for the rest of your life? I’d rather not.
When everything is presented as individual binary options, it seems obvious to choose the ‘better’ option. Given the choice between higher or lower grade, why would you choose the lower grade?
But I know people who have made that conscious choice; they prioritize projects or other commitments that are more important to them. There’s nothing wrong with getting the best value either; maybe you need them to pursue your dream career in academia. * Just don’t ‘return to default’.
I live for other people, I know all about opportunity cost — I’m an economist. Seeing all the sacrifices lined up before my eyes drives me crazy. I didn’t want to decide what was really important to me, so I tried to do everything.
When you don’t know what you want, it’s easy to rationalize a focus on the ‘default goal’. It feels good and comfortable, plus no one will question you.
But the default goal is not about you; they usually focus on appearing ‘attractive’ or ‘successful’ to others.
It’s easy to see that living this way is completely irrational. The only sensible thing you can do is work towards what you really want.
This is a scary process, of course, because it leaves you vulnerable.
What did I really want?
When I was honest with myself, I had some surprising revelations. I managed to identify four things that I had been dreaming of on-off for most of my life:
1. To make a living as a writer
2. To build my own house
3. To confess my secrets to the world
4. brdoa
Considering how I’ve spent the last four years of my life, it’s a pretty hilarious list. I’ve not done much to work towards these goals; subconsciously I’ve repressed them due to the belief they were childish and silly.
There are still a lot of specifics to figure out. What kind of writer? In which country would the house be? Just how strong do I want to be? Depending on the details, it may be harder or easier to work towards my dream.
But admitting these aims to myself and writing them down made me realize that they’re actually very achievable.
What did I really want?
When I was honest with myself, I had some surprising revelations. I managed to identify four things that I had been dreaming of on-off for most of my life:
1. To make a living as a writer
2. To build my own house
3. To confess my secrets to the world
4. To be a free-runner
Where did these goals come from?
impo
What’s next?
It was ssible after all. Yet if I’d continued to hustle mindlessly, I would never have known.
I don’t think it would necessarily be the wisest decision for me to spend my lifetime savings to buy a one-way ticket, build a house from scratch and take advantage of my low living costs to focus on writing and free-running. There are other things I need to consider, like being able to buy plane tickets to visit my mother sometimes.
There’s also more to life than achieving your dreams and pleasing yourself.
The point is that, once you admit to yourself what you’re really chasing after, it can turn out to be more achievable than the hustle to get a hundred arbitrary things you never actually wanted in the first place.
About resolution- I made a mistake, I made a decision, I was also proud, and I succeeded, but also failed, but the most important of all was what I would study. Thank you for a meaningful year for my learning process. I have learned many things, I have gone up and down, I hope the next will be full of surprises and good hopes for me.
Tell with this hope, I have read a few references to hopes or dreams nothing is too, and if your expectations are too high you should give more effort or change the strategy to get it. Keep learning and catching things around to make lessons.
